"Homemade Orange Juice
The first orange juice made with pulp and with love"
illustrations by Mariana Massarani.
Thursday, November 29, 2007
Minute Maid looks different in Brazil
"Homemade Orange Juice
The first orange juice made with pulp and with love"
illustrations by Mariana Massarani.
Wednesday, November 28, 2007
there should be a law...
1. There should be a law prohibiting people from using Photoshop filters without appropriate knowledge of design and/or without basic aesthetic common sense. Just because you managed to download a free copy, or because it happens to be in your PC, it doesn't mean you should touch it. The fact that you are on a PC probably means you shouldn't touch it.
2. There should be a law obligating people to check their emails at least twice a day, following by a reply. Each offense should be punished by the removal of one eyeball at a time, because if you don't read e-mails, what's the point of having eyesight?
3. There should be a law against making noises with your mouth while eating. Just because digestion starts at the mouth, doesn't mean that I need to HEAR IT HAPPEN!
4. There should be a law allowing people to knock the shit out of anybody who bumps into you accidentally and does not say "excuse me". No actual physical contact is necessary. Touching my purse, crossing in front of me while I'm looking at a store window or grocery shopping, and standing in front of me while I'm getting off an escalator are all serious offenses that demand serious reprimand. Reprimand should consist of the use of violence.
5. There should be a law prohibiting people (and by people, I mean BRAZILIAN PEOPLE) from clapping when the airplane lands. This might not mean much to you, dear reader, but try taking a flight from Miami to Rio or Sao Paulo and you will know exactly what I'm talking about. I always fly undercover as an American citizen because it brings me to tears to even think that I could be remotely associated with people who would clap during landing. When the flight crew starts passing around the customs form, I always take the one for foreign visitors in Brazil and then I switch it when I get to the ground. What are you clapping for, people? For the pilot's job well done? He probably can't hear you! Are you afraid of flying? Or are you just ghetto as hell? I mean, I'm happy we got there ok and everything, but there's no need for you to express your joy by blatantly showing us all that this is your second time in an airplane and you clearly don't know how to act.
6. There should be a law stopping strangers from looking at you more than once for more than 30 seconds. I understand if you look at me for about half a minute if you've never seen me before. You might be finding me attractive or you might be feeling sorry for me because I look so ugly, but half a minute of UNDIVIDED ATTENTION to me and my beauty or ugliness is more than enough. You even have time to tell your friend so he/she can stare with you. But look at me a second time and I'll have to start acting like a nosy-ignorant-asshole, just for the sake of easier communication between you and I.
7. There should be a law against individuals who go to concerts and sing louder than the artist. If the person doesn't know the lyrics, even worse. If they don't know the words and have no sense of rhythm, that's reason enough for me to get up from my seat and find the security person who will take you to a dark alley and beat you unconscious.
(more to come)
2. There should be a law obligating people to check their emails at least twice a day, following by a reply. Each offense should be punished by the removal of one eyeball at a time, because if you don't read e-mails, what's the point of having eyesight?
3. There should be a law against making noises with your mouth while eating. Just because digestion starts at the mouth, doesn't mean that I need to HEAR IT HAPPEN!
4. There should be a law allowing people to knock the shit out of anybody who bumps into you accidentally and does not say "excuse me". No actual physical contact is necessary. Touching my purse, crossing in front of me while I'm looking at a store window or grocery shopping, and standing in front of me while I'm getting off an escalator are all serious offenses that demand serious reprimand. Reprimand should consist of the use of violence.
5. There should be a law prohibiting people (and by people, I mean BRAZILIAN PEOPLE) from clapping when the airplane lands. This might not mean much to you, dear reader, but try taking a flight from Miami to Rio or Sao Paulo and you will know exactly what I'm talking about. I always fly undercover as an American citizen because it brings me to tears to even think that I could be remotely associated with people who would clap during landing. When the flight crew starts passing around the customs form, I always take the one for foreign visitors in Brazil and then I switch it when I get to the ground. What are you clapping for, people? For the pilot's job well done? He probably can't hear you! Are you afraid of flying? Or are you just ghetto as hell? I mean, I'm happy we got there ok and everything, but there's no need for you to express your joy by blatantly showing us all that this is your second time in an airplane and you clearly don't know how to act.
6. There should be a law stopping strangers from looking at you more than once for more than 30 seconds. I understand if you look at me for about half a minute if you've never seen me before. You might be finding me attractive or you might be feeling sorry for me because I look so ugly, but half a minute of UNDIVIDED ATTENTION to me and my beauty or ugliness is more than enough. You even have time to tell your friend so he/she can stare with you. But look at me a second time and I'll have to start acting like a nosy-ignorant-asshole, just for the sake of easier communication between you and I.
7. There should be a law against individuals who go to concerts and sing louder than the artist. If the person doesn't know the lyrics, even worse. If they don't know the words and have no sense of rhythm, that's reason enough for me to get up from my seat and find the security person who will take you to a dark alley and beat you unconscious.
(more to come)
some things are still the same
It's 4:54 on a Wednesday, I'm inside a room with air conditioner, sitting in front of my computer, designing things and watching Oprah.
Some things haven't changed at all (except that Oprah has Portuguese subtitles and I get to watch daytime TV while I work).
Friday, November 23, 2007
my latest purchase
I just bought this gorgeous poster from ORK Posters. The designer is Jenny Beorkrem.
"Ork Posters began while searching for a Chicago neighborhood poster that wouldn't cramp my style and didn't scream of the early 90's. My search came up empty, really empty, so I decided to design one for myself. The project became quite cumbersome with 91 Chicago neighborhoods in all. But I finally finished the poster and liked it so much that I thought others might like it too. And so began Ork Posters."
Right now she also has Brooklyn (above). Manhattan, San Francisco and Boston will be available very soon. But I chose Chicago because that's like a second home. I miss it a whole, whole lot.
tees
Check out the t-shirts I created for my twin, who is also a VERY FAMOUS BLOGGER in Brazil. If you don't speak portuguese... well, you should. This probably won't mean much to you.
The name of his blog is Gravataimerengue (which literally means "tie and merengue"). He also has a guest writer, Isaias Camanducaia (his alter ego), who is a favorite of mine. So I designed my very own version of "I heart Isaias".
The name of his blog is Gravataimerengue (which literally means "tie and merengue"). He also has a guest writer, Isaias Camanducaia (his alter ego), who is a favorite of mine. So I designed my very own version of "I heart Isaias".
she could be on sex and the city
Cristiana is a creative director at an agency here in Belo Horizonte and she has a blog called "Hoje vou assim" (which mean something along the lines "This is what I'm wearing today").
She posts a picture of what she's wearing to work with a description of the items below the photo. That's it. Her style is adorable, I can't imagine how much money she must spend to have such a eclectic wardrobe.
Anyway, check it out. She's great.
She posts a picture of what she's wearing to work with a description of the items below the photo. That's it. Her style is adorable, I can't imagine how much money she must spend to have such a eclectic wardrobe.
Anyway, check it out. She's great.
passive aggressive note
"Do not kiss on someone else's kiss"
Note left on the window of a small toy store in downtown Sarasota, FL. From Passive Aggressive Notes
Note left on the window of a small toy store in downtown Sarasota, FL. From Passive Aggressive Notes
Wednesday, November 21, 2007
how I'm re-learning the metric system
Ok, so I spent almost 7 years living and working abroad using only the US customary units (inches, feet, etc). I've been having a hard time getting used to the metric system again (cm, kilos, km, etc) and numbers here don't mean much to me unless I compare them to something measured in inches.
I have found out that the average penis size in Brazil is 14 cm, which according to my calculations, is 5.5 inches. Regardless of how much Brazilian men are packing (or not!), I must say that that has become a good standard of reference for me when I don't have a calculator nearby.
So if someone tells me "Oh, that frame is 50 cm x 30 cm" I quickly figure that is about 9 Brazilian penises in width and 5 Brazilian penises in length, which means, in the US system that frame measures around 20'' x 11''.
Got it?
*********************
I know you are wondering, so here's the breakdown:
Brazilian............................ 5.5'' = 14 cm
Black.................................. 6.89'' = 17.5 cm
Asian................................. 5.33'' = 13.5 cm
Caucasian......................... 6.22'' = 15.8 cm
Hispanic........................... 6.15'' = 15.6 cm
Native American............. 5.66'' = 14.4 cm
*********************
The illustration above is from xkcd.com - A webcomic of romance, sarcasm, math and language. Brilliant. Click here to see some of my favorites.
Tuesday, November 20, 2007
word of the day: waxing
Lola (Madonna's daughter) is really cute and everything, but somebody should mow the unibrow or the mustache ASAP. Believe me, this is coming from a girl who had eyebrows of the size of cockroaches by the time she was 8.
*****************
UPDATE: My friend Bert said I'm very inconsiderate of other people's feelings and that ugly-sexy is his third category (pretty, ugly, and ugly-sexy). He's not trying to say that Lola is sexy. We are including her in the category of girls/women of unconventional beauty. Sort of like Frida Kahlo, who he finds extremely attractive. So Bert, here is to you. Leave me alone.
Monday, November 19, 2007
Sunday, November 18, 2007
Autobiographia Literaria
by Frank O'Hara
When I was a child
I played by myself in a
corner of the schoolyard
all alone.
I hated dolls and I
hated games, animals were
not friendly and birds
flew away.
If anyone was looking
for me I hid behind a
tree and cried out "I am
an orphan."
And here I am, the
center of all beauty!
writing these poems!
Imagine!
When I was a child
I played by myself in a
corner of the schoolyard
all alone.
I hated dolls and I
hated games, animals were
not friendly and birds
flew away.
If anyone was looking
for me I hid behind a
tree and cried out "I am
an orphan."
And here I am, the
center of all beauty!
writing these poems!
Imagine!
Monday, November 12, 2007
Beside the Point
by Stephen Cushman
The sky has never won a prize.
The clouds have no careers.
The rainbow doesn't say my work,
thank goodness.
The rock in the creek's not so productive.
The mud on the bank's not too pragmatic.
There's nothing useful in the noise
the wind makes in the leaves.
Buck up now, my fellow superfluity,
and let's both be of that worthless ilk,
self-indulgent as shooting stars,
self-absorbed as sunsets.
Who cares if we're inconsequential?
At least we can revel, two good-for-nothings,
in our irrelevance; at least come and make
no difference with me.
The sky has never won a prize.
The clouds have no careers.
The rainbow doesn't say my work,
thank goodness.
The rock in the creek's not so productive.
The mud on the bank's not too pragmatic.
There's nothing useful in the noise
the wind makes in the leaves.
Buck up now, my fellow superfluity,
and let's both be of that worthless ilk,
self-indulgent as shooting stars,
self-absorbed as sunsets.
Who cares if we're inconsequential?
At least we can revel, two good-for-nothings,
in our irrelevance; at least come and make
no difference with me.
Sunday, November 11, 2007
this is how you can find me
3 Google searches that led people to Legally Normal:
• best compliments for a girl
• make in brazil fuck
• if so glory be to almighty god
• best compliments for a girl
• make in brazil fuck
• if so glory be to almighty god
iams hates animals.
You can buy the stickers for $1 each here.
You can find brands not tested on animals here.
Now you know. Pass it on.
us three
It just so happen that life chose them for me.
But if I was given the chance I would be like "I want that dark-skinned one with the thick eyebrows and a hole on his chin, and that short one with a funny nose. Thanks."
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