gastric bypass and my nightmare week

As some of you who read this blog might know, I had surgery last week. Gastric bypass surgery. I spent about 4 years playing with the idea of getting it done, but not until about a couple of months ago that idea had become more of a tangible goal. I spent most of last month in and out of hospitals, getting my pre-surgery exams done, making sure every organ in my body is functioning to its premium, that my hormones are in place, having my veins raped by laboratories a few times a week, just to make sure I was in good shape to go through the surgery. So it finally happened last week. I checked myself in on Thursday afternoon and came home on Sunday.

This has been, by far, one of the most trying weeks of my life. I went into the operating room way too over-confident, way too relaxed and totally underestimated the severity of the post-surgery period. It was hell. I woke up from the anesthesia right when I was being moved from the operating table to the stretcher, and there could not have been a worst time to start to return to my senses. It felt like I was inside a washer, only there were people outside it letting me know that everything went well and that I would be fine. I wasn’t. At least it didn’t feel like it. Not for a couple of days.

The first night was by far the worst one I’ve had in my entire life. I can’t really recall the type of pain I was in, all I know is that it made it especially hard to breath and laying on a sheet of hot nails was pretty much just as comfortable. My panic kicked in and I had cold sweats all night. I didn’t sleep at all. My parents sat on each side of my bed holding envelopes and x-rays that served as fans. They took turns shaking them above my body to alleviate the crazy hot flashes I felt.

Next day was bad too. I still felt a lot of pain, I was thirsty and couldn’t drink anything. The needle they stuck in my hand to inject medication burnt me like fire. My back was killing me and I still couldn’t feel my legs completely. The second night wasn’t any better either. I stared at a clock hanging on the wall counting down the seconds for my next dose of painkillers. Nothing worked.

The third day was a little better physically, but mentally I was starting to get irritated and felt desperate. I cried because I was so tired of feeling pain. I was exhausted and there was nothing anyone could do. I was sick and tired of the hospital room, I was tired of that hospital smell that made it so obvious I wasn’t at home. My nerves really started to get to me, and as much as I tried to be patient, feeling agonizing pain 24/7 is just not something I’m cut-out for.

Then Sunday I came home. I was never so happy to leave a place in my whole life. I wanted out of that hospital. I wanted to be at home with my dog, with the smell of my sheets, my TV, like any other person would on a Sunday. I was craving normalcy.

My pain hasn’t been as strong ever since I got home. I still feel a lot of lower back pain, and it’s difficult to walk and to find a comfortable position to sleep at night, but it’s bearable. My nerves are shot, though. My anxiety is back, and my panic symptoms kicked-in full force last night. My hands were sweating, I felt dizzy, like I was going to pass out at any second. I couldn’t sit still and couldn’t calm myself down enough to even talk to someone on the phone. I look back now and I see that I totally underestimated the effects of a surgery, let alone this kind of surgery, on me. I’ve been on a “liquid diet” for 4 days now, and I’m only allowed 50ml every hour or so. Just soup and juice. I feel deprived and I have cravings like a crazy pregnant woman, but I’m not hungry. It’s just that your brain can’t process the thought of a stomach that is tiny now. It’s a humbling experience. Everyone has seen me naked, and all of a sudden I don’t care. At one point I had about 6 people in my hospital room while I had no underwear on. And did I mention I have a drain coming out of a hole in my stomach, right under my left breast? Yeah, I do.

So, in a nutshell, it’s been a crazy, fucked-up week that is supposed to change the way I am for the rest of my life. I can’t tell you right now if I’m happy, or if I regret the whole ordeal, or if I’m super excited about what’s to come, because at this point, happiness to me means not having a tube coming out of my insides.

So ask me that again when I have no back pain or when I can’t see any red fluid constantly coming out of my guts. I believe I’ll be happy with the surgery soon. Right now I fucking hate it. Actually, right now there’s very little people or things I like, but this will change soon. At least we all here hope so.

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I don't mean to sound like a brat here. This has been really hard on my family too. My dad has helped me get up from a chair more than 200 times, my sister has seen more angles of my private parts than she would like to in a lifetime, my mom spends countless hours awake with me and cooks for me all day, my brother took such good care of my dog. I couldn't have done it without them, and going through this with the four of them only reassures me that moving back home was the right move for me at this time. Nobody will ever take care of you like your family does, and that is the most absolute truth.

Dear bad mood,

You have been horrible those past two days.
Because of you, I wish I could turn into stone anybody who addresses me, or even look slightly in my direction.

I fucking hate you. Go away soon.

Sincerely,

Me

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Dear Lexapro,

You know I love you, but you have done more for me in the past. I might be worng, but I feel like you're just not doing as much for me now as you've done before. You have been stronger, and you've had my back in worse times.

Would you please just kick in already? I need an extra push.

Love,

Me

exactly how I feel

"If i could throw a parade for lexapro and how it saved my life, i totally would."

Comment left on this post from Dooce

This is what the Minus' hiatus has done to me

Yay! Minus is back.

proof that I too can change

A beautiful description of what I consider indescribable. It's not about religion - something I greatly resent. It's about knowing you don't always need to carry the weight of your world on your own. Not because we shouldn't, but because we can't.

"At first I saw God as my observer, my judge, keeping track of the things I did wrong, so as to know whether I merited Heaven or Hell when I die. He was out there sort of like the President. I recognized His picture when I saw it, but I didn't really know Him.

But later on when I recognized my Higher Power, it seemed as though life was rather like a bike ride; but it was a tandem bike, and I noticed that God was in the back helping me pedal. I don't know just when it was that He suggested we change places, but life has not been the same since . . . life with my Higher Power, that is. God makes life exciting.

When I had control, I knew the way. It was rather boring, but predictable. It was the shortest distance between two points. But when He took the lead, He knew delightful long cuts, up mountains, and through rocky places and at breakneck speeds. It was all I could do to hang on! Even though it looked like madness, He said, "Pedal!"

I worried and was anxious and asked, "Where are You taking me?" He laughed and didn't answer, and I started to trust. I forgot my boring life and entered into the adventure; and when I'd say, "I'm scared, " He'd lean back and touch my hand. He took me to people with gifts that I needed, gifts of healing, acceptance, and joy. They gave me their gifts to take on my journey; our journey, God's and mine.

And we were off again. He said, "Give the gifts away. They're extra baggage, too much weight." So I did, to the people we met, and I found that in giving I received, and still our burden was light.

I did not trust Him at first, in control of my life. I thought he'd wreck it. But He knew bike secrets, knew how to make it bend to take sharp corners, jump to clear high places filled with rocks, fly to shorten scary passages.

And I'm learning to shut up and pedal in the strangest places, and I'm beginning to enjoy the view and the cool breeze on my face with my delightful constant companion.

And when I'm sure I can't do any more, He just smiles and says, "PEDAL!"

I'm alive

I know haven't had a real post in a while, with more than 10 words that came out of my own brilliant mind, but things have been good. Here are some good things I can tell you about my lately:

1. I got a new roommate. He's nice, he's neat and he cooks. He cleaned my refrigerator. He buys groceries. Plus he has the type of face I like to look at.
2. I got a flat tire and was stranded on the highway coming back from a photoshoot out of town. I know, that's bad. But a really nice man stopped for me and changed my tire and the next day I had to pay less than 60 bucks to get it all fixed.
3. Medication is still doing wonders for me.
4. Work has been a little better. Tiny, tiny bit. But maybe it's just my mood. Yeah, that's probably it.
5. My co-worker Nancy brought me today some goodies from Bath and Body Works and a sweet, sweet card, just because I came by the office on Tuesday at 9pm after she called me and told me she had left her space heater on. People like her make me happy.
6. I'm moving to a gorgeous new apartment with my new roommate.
7. Tax refund, baby!
8. I have been updating my portfolio.
9. Past 2 Grey's Anatomy: freaking awesome.
10. I feel like I could date again. Someday. Soon.

From Brazil

Hello gentle readers,

I come to you from good ol' Brazil! I got here yesterday and so much already has happened, I'm really happy to be home! I landed in Rio yesterday at around 11, where my parents picked me up. From there, we drove for about a hour or so to my hometown where most of my family live. My grandma is in the hospital and she has been extremely fragile lately, and I almost thought I wasn't going to get the chance to see her again. But gladly I did, and I was with her this morning for a few hours. It was VERY hard seeing her there, she's an brave lady but sometimes it feels like it's just not fair to keep her here. I hope for the best FOR HER, and I just hope whatever the outcome is she can be comfortable and in peace. I think she really thought she wasn't going to see me again, and it was completely overwhelming to look at her face when she saw me walking in that door. My mom said she hasn't seen her crack a smile like that in a long, long time and I'm glad I could bring her that.

Another thing that has been pretty major is that I have already seen my old doctor from here, so I can start the treatment for my panic disorder/depression again. I don't know if I had mentioned here before, but the past month or so has been really trying, and I have lost count of how many times I cried for hours in a row for no apparent reason at all. Just cried my eyes out, and felt completely hopeless and unmotivated to brush my hair in the morning. My days are usually ok, but my nights are pretty awful and it has taken me a lot of self-control and panic management to keep it together. So my family came to my rescue again, and I have just started taking my meds, and for the first time in what it seems to be a really long time, I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. I SO believe in the power of medicine and in what those magic little pills can do for this brain of mine. I'm committed to just giving in control and letting them take over and balance all my crazy, out-of-wack chemicals. Dear pills, please cure me and I promise I'll be nice.

Anyway, I must be a little high right now because I just took my very first dose of Lexapro with some other medication that's supposed to turn shut off my superhyperactive thoughts and let my mind rest for a bit. I can't wait to feel normal again - if there's in fact a normal state for me.

My two best friends in the world just left about an hour ago, I hadn't seen them in over 2 years. It was really nice to see them again and just feel like that good feeling of home you only get around people who really, truly know you inside and out.

Ok, so now I'm surrendering to the meds and going to sleep. Hopefully tomorrow will be the first day of a very good stay.

Here's to Brazil and to chemical balance! Cheers.

breakthrough

Today I did something I should have done a long time ago, and I already can tell the difference for the better. My sister came through for me. Again. Thank you.