1. There should be a law prohibiting people from using Photoshop filters without appropriate knowledge of design and/or without basic aesthetic common sense. Just because you managed to download a free copy, or because it happens to be in your PC, it doesn't mean you should touch it. The fact that you are on a PC probably means you shouldn't touch it.
2. There should be a law obligating people to check their emails at least twice a day, following by a reply. Each offense should be punished by the removal of one eyeball at a time, because if you don't read e-mails, what's the point of having eyesight?
3. There should be a law against making noises with your mouth while eating. Just because digestion starts at the mouth, doesn't mean that I need to HEAR IT HAPPEN!
4. There should be a law allowing people to knock the shit out of anybody who bumps into you accidentally and does not say "excuse me". No actual physical contact is necessary. Touching my purse, crossing in front of me while I'm looking at a store window or grocery shopping, and standing in front of me while I'm getting off an escalator are all serious offenses that demand serious reprimand. Reprimand should consist of the use of violence.
5. There should be a law prohibiting people (and by people, I mean BRAZILIAN PEOPLE) from clapping when the airplane lands. This might not mean much to you, dear reader, but try taking a flight from Miami to Rio or Sao Paulo and you will know exactly what I'm talking about. I always fly undercover as an American citizen because it brings me to tears to even think that I could be remotely associated with people who would clap during landing. When the flight crew starts passing around the customs form, I always take the one for foreign visitors in Brazil and then I switch it when I get to the ground. What are you clapping for, people? For the pilot's job well done? He probably can't hear you! Are you afraid of flying? Or are you just ghetto as hell? I mean, I'm happy we got there ok and everything, but there's no need for you to express your joy by blatantly showing us all that this is your second time in an airplane and you clearly don't know how to act.
6. There should be a law stopping strangers from looking at you more than once for more than 30 seconds. I understand if you look at me for about half a minute if you've never seen me before. You might be finding me attractive or you might be feeling sorry for me because I look so ugly, but half a minute of UNDIVIDED ATTENTION to me and my beauty or ugliness is more than enough. You even have time to tell your friend so he/she can stare with you. But look at me a second time and I'll have to start acting like a nosy-ignorant-asshole, just for the sake of easier communication between you and I.
7. There should be a law against individuals who go to concerts and sing louder than the artist. If the person doesn't know the lyrics, even worse. If they don't know the words and have no sense of rhythm, that's reason enough for me to get up from my seat and find the security person who will take you to a dark alley and beat you unconscious.
(more to come)
