Debbie Downer

i can't get used to this

The past 4 days got me used to not working. I left the office today totally mentally drained, already dreading the painful minute when my alarm will go off tomorrow morning. Where's the rich old man I'm supposed to marry? Please sir, email if you're reading this.

BTW, new photos have been uploaded to Flickr. Massive Change was amazing. I was like a kid in a candy store. Ya'll should go.

I could get used to this

Here are some things I have done so far this Thanksgiving holiday:
- came to Chicago and am staying at my friend's lovely aunt's house, who is adorable and funny.
- ate too much good food
- walked around Michigan Ave = too.much.people.too.little.space.
- went to see Opra's Harpo Studios
- went to see Bruce Mau's "Massive Change" exhibit at the Museum of Contemporary Arts. Amazing. Photos to come.
- attended a church choir rehearsal

I'm leaving tomorrow, but not before going to my favorite Brazilian restaurant. I'll have pictures up once I recover from all the non-work I'm doing. Laters!

Creative Clients

Creative Clients
Originally uploaded by debbie millman.

The story of my life. Via Debbie Millman.

The story of the day when a mansion almost swalled me

Last Friday my boss sent me an email asking me how would I feel about making a presentation to about 20-30 people during one of our client's conferences, in behalf of the firm. They needed someone to talk about publication design to a group of editors, writers, PR professionals, that were here in Indianapolis for their annual conference. Of course I said yes, as those of you who've met me know that I'm the queen of stepping-up and proving that I can raise to occasions.

I had less then a week to prepare for the event from the time I got the email, but working at least 9 hour days, that means I really had a few hours to put together some material and show up there with some balls to talk to a group of professionals with years of experience ahead of me.

I wasn't too nervous until I got there. The place itself was overwhelming - a beautiful, huge mansion built in 1916 that sits on top of a hill, as you can see here. Absolutely grand. I went throug the big wood doors towards a room where long tables and chairs where arranged facing a wall size projection screen. I plugged in my laptop, got settled and waited. Then people kept coming in, and they would take their seats and get organized, as if they were there to experience an hour of abslute enlightment. And in the end of the room there was poor little me and my little 14-inch mac plugged into the wall so that our fagile, piece-of-shit battery would last us for the whole hour.

The first two minutes went smoothly, I was focused and well rehearsed. But then I started loosing track of the content, and I next thing I knew, I felt as if I had never seen that stuff before. "Typeface? What is a typeface?" It was all a big blurr. At one point, I wanted to say "You know what? I really don't know what the hell I'm talking about here, and really this is not that important, so why don't we just go home and start our weekends earlier, huh? What do ya'll say?".

I had to swallow my nerves and power through the remaining 50 minutes, taking questions, mediating the session, and getting through the content. And I did, without throwing up, not even once. I even cracked a few jokes to showcase my charming personality with a few nervous laughs. Everything went ok.

So sweet friends, here is to my major balls and amazing freak-out control! Cheers!

Read Minus Five

Minus Five turns one today!

That has got to be one of my favorite blogs. If not the favorite. Minus is the funniest, most honest and out-of-the ordinary people I have ever heard of. She's a designer/artist living in Brooklyn. Not only her blog is awesome, but she spreads her genius all over other people's pages through her comments. Here's a recent example of why if she said "jump", I would:

(Post from Mary Pages blog):

"In the spirit of Tania's "neighborhood appreciation" blog, I thought I'd share with my kind readers what was going on in my neighborhood this weekend. It was BET's annual HIP HOP awards...and there was definitely some good people watching. Fortunately for me, I live on a street that is very popular for cruising, picking up transsexual hookers and purchasing illegal drugs on any random day of the week so one can imagine how things picked up with the weekend festivities. I was talking to a friend of mine and was thinking that, perhaps, I was being prejudiced by feeling uncomfortable with all of the random people walking around...many of them looking rather thuggish. He reminded me that these were not the Colin Powell awards nor was Oprah Winfrey's studio audience in town...it was the HIP HOP awards...these are people who rap about shooting people, banging "bitches," doing drugs and many other *not so on the up and up* activities. I know my feelings about this may be a disappointment to some of my readers, but I stand by what I say. I do not think that the HIP HOP community is propelling society (african american and otherwise) into a higher level of consciousness. I understand that the lyrics reflect that lifestyle and trials and tribulations of *the street* and I also think that, perhaps, degrading women and endorsing a life of crime and irresponsibility is not the way to inspire people to live better. I strongly believe that the things that we think, say, and feel create the environment in which we exist...at our essence we are all energy...just energy...molecules, really...so it is up to us to create the world in which we wish to live through our thoughts and actions."

Comment from Minus:

Crime De Jour

Watched "Dancing with the Stars" final and was secretly happy when Emmit won, eventhough Mario kicked ass all season long. Oh, I so wish I could dance!

What would we be without it now

1:33am

Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Brazilbound

So I just purchased my ticket to go to Brazil next month. I'll be there for almost 2 weeks, and I'm coming back on Dec 25th, which is kinda of a weird date to leave but coming back anytime after that would cost me at least $400 more.

I absolutely hate the actual 'flying' home. Those almost 24 hours in between airports is totally a pain in my ass, but I can't wait to go home and see my family, my old friends, the house, the dog, and everything I miss. So I decided to make a list of random things I'm anxious to enjoy as soon as I get there:

1. Having 5 o'clock cofee breaks with my mom. Fresh coffee, french bread right out of the oven, with butter. One of my favorite things to do in the world.

2. Hot, hot, sticky weather.

3. Afternoons watching good cable TV and old soap operas.

4. Eating decent food on a regular basis. Hopefully losing a few pounds.

5. Washing my hair with non-clorine-white-stuffy-water. One of the things I absolutely cannot get used to here is the fact that the water is so heavy and gross, consequently making my hair heavy and gross as well. I have no bad-hair days in Brazil. It's like washing your hair with spring water.

6. Seeing my grandmas! and my godson, and the rest of my family.

7. Driving good cars. (I usually leave a few tickets behind for my family, but I promise I won't do it this time. I don't do it on purpose.)

8. Buying cute shoes and big earrings.

9. Not stressing, not working and not paying for anything for 2 whole weeks!

10. Getting my hair and nails done. Believe me, it's different there.

I'm counting down the days now. 27 to go.

Baby wanted 12 lemons

Hello again, people who read this blog! I apologize for my brief absence in the past few weeks. Life is busy, panic attacks are back and in between work, searching for a new car, and losing wireless signal at home, I haven't been able to be here as much as I should. Bad, bad blogger. Anyway, I'm here and all is well.

Last night I decided to stay at home with a bottle of wine and the TV, despite of a couple of phone call from friends inviting me out for a drink. I just didn't feel like doing much, so I went to Blockbuster and got me what I thought it would one of those harmless romantic comedies that if anything, would put me to sleep.

I got "The Breakup", THE movie that started it all between Jenn and Vince last year. And all I have to say is that I completely impressed and touched from beginning to end. What I really loved about it is that it's totally not one of those happily ever after stories wrapped with a bowl that makes you roll your eyes at the end of the movie. The characters are layered and imperfect, and things don't go like you wish they would, and they can't communicate to save their lives. She is always beating around the bush, while he is too straight-forward and literal. She wants him to want to work on their relationship, but he is too uncomplicated to even get what that means. They are illogical, but they love each other, have great intimacy, and rituals, habits and many happy moments together. Still, they breakup, and as much as you hope for a happy ending, it just doesn't happen. They manage to screw it up all on their own, no help needed.

Isn't that how it really goes?

The movie was filmed in Chicago, and that happens to be a place that holds so many memories to me. My ex, with whom I spend the last 2 years with, lived there, and as I was watching the movie I kept thinking of all the weekends I would drive up there to spend time with him and we would go to all those places that to this day I haven't managed to go back to because it's just too much there. The walks by the lake, the boat rides, the blues clubs, the downtown restaurants, the stores on Michigan Ave, the ball park, the summer festivals. And all those nights I spent in that city with the person I thought would be me with for as far as I could see. Those streets where I wandered for hours by myself after our crazy arguments. We were both too clumsy, too dumb and proud to apologize or talk things through.

That screen was speaking directly to me.

I have this tendency of being overtly dramatic when it comes to ex-boyfriends (specially this last one and our bitter breakup). I keep wondering what I could have done different, "why did it happened like that, what a waste of my time!". Watching that movie last night was really good for me. It's about people who come to your life for a certain period of time but they don't come to stay. And that doesn't mean you shouldn't give them your best, that you shouldn't jump in head first, that you shouldn't hold on to those memories as much as you can. You love them, you build stories together, things go wrong and you see your castles fall. Then you learn to love better, and build stronger castles that will more than likely fall again, and you keep moving on until you have a long list of places that are hard to revisit because all you can think of was how happy you once were there. How much you wish you could put that feeling in a bottle and take it with you wherever you go.

Then one day you bump into that person that at one point meant the world to you, and now he's almost a stranger, and it just so happens that the person you were back then is also long gone.

It might sound sad, but seriously, isn't that a nicer perspective?

It's easier to deal with things that way.

You love, you live it as hard as you can, and you move on.


And it's not the end.

breakthrough

Today I did something I should have done a long time ago, and I already can tell the difference for the better. My sister came through for me. Again. Thank you.

gotta love it

"First in my class there at MIT
Got skills, I'm a champion at D&D
MC Escher, that's my favorite MC
Keep your 40, I'll just have an Earl Grey tea
My rims never spin - to the contrary
You'll find that they're quite stationary
All of my action figures are cherry
Stephen Hawking's in my library"

lyrics here

one of the best compliments ever

My best friend and I have a somewhat turbulent relationship. We are two very different characters, complete opposites: I'm this white-looking brazilian girl who loves to take random pictures and post them on her flickr and write on her blog and loves typefaces and museums and poetry and design and things of that nature. She's this girl from Gary, Indiana who hates to be defined as the girl from Gary, Indiana and who has this holistic approach to life and loves motivational things and self-help books and has healthy eating habits and loves to go out to clubs every weekend and is funny and adventurous and free-spirited. Somehow we compliment each other really well, and with her I've learned to love Family Guy, I've learned to take care of my skin and wash off my make up before going to bed, I have learned I can be too judgmental and I should make an attempt to be open minded about people who are not just like me. On the other hand, I try to be the best friend I can be, and I listen to her telling me how wild her weekend was, and how all those extremely odd things happened to her in the same day, and I try to tell her some things I have learned the hard way hoping that I'll save her some energy and heartache, because I hate to see her not knowing what to do.

That's how we've been for the past 5 and a half years. We were on non-speaking terms for a few months about 2 years ago, and more often than not we'll argue for hours on the phone about things we both know we'll never agree on and for the sake of our friendship we'll just agree to disagree on those things forever. Or until my stubborn ass learns how to bend and admit I might be wrong.

My point is, she's definitely someone who's had great impact in my life, and I wish I knew how to show her my appreciation as often as she shows me (well, that applies to several people in my life, but that's a whole different story). Yesterday we somehow got to talking about how you get to a point in your life where you're mature enough to realize that you're are indeed a product of your upbringing and that the values your parents taught you live within you whether you like it or not. I told her how I often find myself in situations where I'm lost thinking "what would my father do?", so that maybe I can find within myself the answers that he would give me.

And she said to me "Well, you're like that to me. Every time I need to make an important decision, or when I'm overwhelmed, or when I'm about to lose my temper, or be unreasonable, I have to stop and think: 'ok, what would she do?' ".

world's shortest fairytale

via Mary Pages

"Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl "Will you marry me?" The girl said, "NO!"... and, the girl lived happily ever! And afterwards, she went shopping, dancing, took cruises, drank martinis, always had a clean house, never had to cook, had sex when and with whomever she pleased... did whatever the heck she wanted, never argued, didn't get fat, traveled at will, had many friends, both men and women, didn't save money and, had all the hot water to herself. Further, she went to the theatre, never had to watch football, never wore absurd lacy lingerie that crept up her butt, possessed good self esteem, never cried or swore and, felt and looked fabulous in sweat pants."

- the end

Between a rock and a hard place

[from the NYTimes]

"RIO DE JANEIRO, Monday, Oct. 2 — Brazil’s embattled president, Luiz Inácio Lula da Silva, finished first in the presidential vote held here Sunday, but fell just short of the majority he needed to avoid a runoff on Oct. 29.

With more than 99.2 percent of the ballots tabulated early Monday, Mr. da Silva, his momentum checked by a last-minute corruption and ethics scandal, had 48.65 percent of the vote. (...)

Campaigning on a platform of social justice and clean government, Mr. da Silva and his leftist Workers’ Party won a landslide victory in a runoff four years ago this month. But his administration has been marked by one scandal after another, ranging from multimillion dollar schemes to buy the support of members of congress to rigging contracts for the purchase of blood products.

Nevertheless, Mr. da Silva had seemed assured of coasting to a first round re-election victory until the eruption of the so-called Dossiergate scandal two weeks ago. That was when Workers’ Party operatives were caught trying to pay $792,000 in cash for information they apparently thought would incriminate Mr. Alckmin’s party in a scandal at the Health Ministry involving kickbacks on the purchase of ambulances."

It's a shame that every election people find themselves voting for the candidate that is the least corrupt, the one who who has robbed them the least throughout the years. Watching people be ignorant is a painful thing.

i opened pandora's box

I hate those weekends when I don't have anything planned to do because I always end up doing things that I shouldn't, like baking fat desserts, spending unnecessary money, going out with people I really don't care for just so I won't be at home (a lot of my friends I like hanging out with often work on weekends, so you get the picture.)

Since I had done option #3 about a month ago and it turned out to be a nightmare because the person I did not care for decided to spend the night at my apartment and stalked me for the rest of the week, I decided I would rather do something different, or even stay home. And that leads me to tonight and the big mess I have just made.

I introduce you to Pandora's Box --


This box contains everything that can possibly remind me of my last long term relationship. Cards, letters, photos, documents, chewed straws, and other small things of great impact. I packaged the box sometime in March, right after ending the relationship that lasted, on and off, 2 years and some months. I put everhting in there, sealed with lots of tape, and hid it somewhere out of my sight. My ex's name was Shawn - I mean, he's stillis Shawn somewhere I don't know where - and for a minute he was all I could see, or I think of. He was it for me and I was done looking, I was done dating. I was just satisfied, like that feeling you get after eating a nice, hearty, homemade meal. I was fulfilled, I had the guy of my dreams and there was not much more I could ask for. I had someone who knew me inside and out, someone who could look at me and knew what I had in mind, without having to say a word. I knew him just as much, but he was always giving me something new to work with, it was never boring, it was never the same. He never took me for granted, and I loved that, that I felt appreciated. He was one of those who would write you cards and letters, and call you early in the morning to tell you he loved you (he lived almost 3 hours away from me), and even when we couldn't be together I had no worries, because he would give me the kind of self-assurance, that feeling that even though he couldn't be here that weekend, there was nowhere else he would rather be.

But it was also one of those rollercoaster relationships, full of huge ups and downs. When it was good it was great, but when it was bad... oh, man, it was horrible. We put each other through hell and back, we drove each other insane and I personally played every type of game I knew of. At one point I felt so confident in what he felt for me that I would push him as far as I could to see how far he would go without breaking up with me. I took him for granted, I though I had him for life. But, of course, I didn't.

He started reacting to my dumb attemps to test him more and more, and more and more I would try to win him back. I would beg to reconsider, then he would beg me to forgive whatever stupid stuff he had done, and it was like that a hundred times, until it was over. The last I heard from him was sometime in March, when we were technically back together and had decided to work things out. Then I found out about another girl who had always tried to be with him, even when we were together. I started hearing a lot about her, I found out there was more to it, and couldn't get over it.

But back to Pandora's Box: I opened it tonight for the first time since the break up.


I re-read the cards and letters, I looked at the pictures, and now I am nothing short of a BIG MESS. I can't get over him. I just can't. I haven't really dated anyone ever since him, I can't make myself like anybody I meet, I just can't do it. It's like a fucking curse, and I'm sick of it.

Right after the split, I decided I wasn't going to call him ever again, but I had a lot to say, so I wrote him a letter that was never sent. I poured my heart out, wrote everything that I knew would hurt him the most, and I knew I would have to make myself hate him before I could move on, so I did. I hated him with passion for about 3 months. I couldn't stand the thought of him. But the more I get over the hatred, the more I find myself missing that man. And that brings me to tonight.

I really don't like blogging about that but this is stopping me from calling him, so oh well. He might not even have the same number, who knows. I know he moved, and he might even be with the girl who I found out about. She knows about me, and the last time I talked to him, I could hear her on the background and he told me he loved me in front of her. He was as sweet as can be, treated me like his girlfirend and said what he had to say to me in front on her, and that was the last time we talked. It ended like that, the weirdest thing.

When we met, I found him broken, after a really bad relationship with someone who had sucked the life out of him. He was cynical, he had been there, done that. But me, I was as fresh and untainted as could be. I stood up for him when he needed me to, I supported him through everything, even when his family wouldn't do it. I couldn't understand how someone could be so jaded, and he later changed a lot for me. One of the things I found in the box was the copy of a card I gave him when we first met, and were barely dating. I told him that he's too skeptical, that I would never want to make the list of people who disappointed him. I wanted so bad to convince him that not everybody was out there to hurt him, that it was ok to have faith in a new person. I didn't want to be blamed for all those horrible girlfriends he had before me.

It's sad to realize that THAT is me post-Shawn. I'm cynical, boderline bitter, and it's going to take a lot to break me. I have been bent and cracked in every way someone can possibly be. I have fallen off a few horses and ran into a few walls, so I have shut down that part of my life and replaced with an obsession for work and perfection. I have lost my "dating skills" and it bores me to tears to think that I will eventually have to get back to that world again to fall from new horses, and run into new walls.

Today I had lunch with my girlfriend E. Her guyfriend called her, and when she mentioned she was with me, he insinuated something, like he wanted to go out with me or some sort of guy thing.
E - talking to him: Yes, she's the brazilian girl... (hey, he's asking about you!)
Me, focused on my stake: So?
E:What do I say?
Me:I don't date anymore.
E: Oh.Sorry, she doesn't date anymore.

Link of the day

Enjoy and thank me later.


There's more where they came from. (Click on the images to read the small type).

Living on the edge

Today was nothing short of SCARY. Here's how the story started: yesterday I ended up leaving the office at around 8:30pm, only to go home with a bunch of printouts and a couple of boards to finish a presentation at home. I was up for a while mounting everything because our account execs had to be at a meeting early this morning with a potential new client. I finished pretty much everything before I left. I had the on-screen presentation saved to our server at work, I had the leave-behinds ready to go, but the boards were with me. I was supposed to get there this morning at 8 so I could talk to the account managers who were going to present the project. But then... I WOKE UP AT 8:40! I was almost 1 hour late already, plus a 20-minute drive, I had fucked up BIG TIME. I HAD THE BOARDS! We hadn't even gone through the presentation, and the meeting was the clients headquarters at 10!



I called the office and told them I would be there in 10 minutes. I put on the same jeans I wore the day before, because they were still thrown all over the floor. I brushed my teeth, didn't even brush my hair, and rushed out of the door with the boards. I couldn't even take my dog outside (of course the poor thing peed in the living room by the time I got home at the end of the day). I FLEW down the freeway and ended up arriving at work at 9:07, don't ask me how. I was so embarrassed and I could not believe myself. I could have completely ruined a new deal for the company single-handedly! Just because I ignored a freaking alarm! My second month at work and a major fuck up. The good thing is, most people at the office usually arrive at 9, and I actually got there with the 2 other designers. The fact that I have been putting in a lot of extra hours also helped. I had worked on Sunday and met a big deadline on Monday. I also had stayed really late the night before, so that made things not look as bad as they really were.

End of the story, the meeting went really well and they complimented me on my work, and we even went out to lunch. I suggested Side Street Deli, which they had never been to, and they LOVED IT! Luck was on my side - the food was great, there were 2 guys playing the guitar and the saxophone, very sultry and charming. They now think I have good taste.

I was one of the last ones to leave tonight, and before I walked out of the door, one of my bosses yelled "Have a night. Oh... AND GET SOME SLEEP!".

nuts

So yesterday my friend April from out of town was here for a quick visit. She had a wedding to go to, and asked me to babysit her 2 boys - a 3 month old and a 3 year old. I'm thinking "ok, piece of cake. I can handle two kids for a few hours". Well, let's just say that I have a newfound respect for mothers, specially single mothers like my friend April.

I'm exhausted. The baby cried pretty much the whole time, for no reason at all whatsoever. That's what he does, he cries. I fed him, changed his diaper, took of him clothes thinking that maybe we was hot, and nothing. He just cried, then screamed, then cried a little more. In the meantime, the 3 year old, Isaac is spilling all types of liquids and icecreams all over the apartment, hitting his head on every possible sharp corner, getting his finger stuck on every door crack he can find, pulling the dogs ears and tails (oh, did I mention I was also dogsitting a huge Chow for a friend of mine? Yeah). Now picture me with a crying baby drooling on my shoulder, a bleeding 3 year old running around, chasing a 50 pound scared dog around the apartment, and my dog peeing on the carpet right in front of me because I completely forgot to take him outside. That pretty much sums up my night.

Isaac resisted as much as he could and refused to go to sleep, so I told him we were going to lay down in the living room to watch cartoons. We watched the first season of the Boondocks.



And just so you won't think that I'm a dreadful babysitter, April got home around midnight and found both kids in bed, and me passed out on the couch.

Believe it or not, overall, we had fun yesterday. We ate really good japanese food, went shopping for a little while and I got to drive her brand new SUV. They left early this morning, and I just woke up to say goodbye. Then I passed out again, and and woke up at 1pm. I'm still recovering.

Now I'm getting ready to take a shower so I can go to the office for a few hours to get a presentation done for tomorrow. It's kind of cloudy outside and the day is perfect to stay in all day, but I really have to go.

Tomorrow I'm going to see Rick Valicenti's lecture at Herron. He is in town for 25 above water. Check it out if you can.

3 WORDS: I NEED HELP. NOW! PLEASE?

I know, I know, I did it again. Neglected my blog. Oh, well... the truth is, I've been busy with my newfound obsession: GREY'S ANATOMY. Now, how late am I?

I had never watched an episode until about a couple of weeks ago. My friend Kira used to watch it all the time, my coworkers would talk about it, and I never knew what it was about that show that had people so worked up. But I decided to get the DVD of the first season the other day.

OH.MY.GOD. Help me. I love it! I watched that DVD in one night, then got disc 2 with the rest of Season 1 episodes. Season 2 just came out last Tuesday, and I LITERALLY ran to Blockbuster to make sure I got my copies. 5 discs overall, about 5 to 6 episodes on each. (Let's make it clear that I'm watching the last episode of Season 2 as I type this, probably for the 5th time). It took me about 4 days, but I finished them all. I was going to bed at around 3am every morning, and I was exhausted all week because I could not make myself stop watching. Now I keep re-watching my favorite parts, and I am also loving the soundtrack. The thing is, Season 3 starts tomorrow and I feel like a kid the night before 1st day of school. I'm so anxious I could just slap myself! How pathetic is that?!

The funniest thing is that I actually met McDreamy, a.k.a. Patrick Dempsey, last May during the Indianapolis 500, while interning at the Indianapolis Motor Speedway. I mean, he was RIGHT THERE 2 feet away from me for hours and hours, bumping elbows, making jokes, just hanging out. And I didn't ever bother to freak the fuck out! What is wrong with me. MCDREAMY! Why, God, why am I such a dummass??

I don't tend to obsess over anything on TV. Most of the time I'm so entertained with my computer, and work, and other things, that the only time I actually watch anything is really late at night, before going to sleep. But now I'm hooked. And I decided I'm getting cable again. Why deprive myself of the beauty of cable TV, when I could be having enlightning and education experiences following the Real World, What Not To Wear, Trading Spaces, Lucky Louie... Oh, so many options.

On another note - New plans: I'm going to NY for a weekend beginning of October. New job: going great. I work a lot, like the people, am learning a lot, and most of all, I get to afford cable TV.Yay!