Since I had done option #3 about a month ago and it turned out to be a nightmare because the person I did not care for decided to spend the night at my apartment and stalked me for the rest of the week, I decided I would rather do something different, or even stay home. And that leads me to tonight and the big mess I have just made.
I introduce you to Pandora's Box --
This box contains everything that can possibly remind me of my last long term relationship. Cards, letters, photos, documents, chewed straws, and other small things of great impact. I packaged the box sometime in March, right after ending the relationship that lasted, on and off, 2 years and some months. I put everhting in there, sealed with lots of tape, and hid it somewhere out of my sight. My ex's name was Shawn - I mean, he's stillis Shawn somewhere I don't know where - and for a minute he was all I could see, or I think of. He was it for me and I was done looking, I was done dating. I was just satisfied, like that feeling you get after eating a nice, hearty, homemade meal. I was fulfilled, I had the guy of my dreams and there was not much more I could ask for. I had someone who knew me inside and out, someone who could look at me and knew what I had in mind, without having to say a word. I knew him just as much, but he was always giving me something new to work with, it was never boring, it was never the same. He never took me for granted, and I loved that, that I felt appreciated. He was one of those who would write you cards and letters, and call you early in the morning to tell you he loved you (he lived almost 3 hours away from me), and even when we couldn't be together I had no worries, because he would give me the kind of self-assurance, that feeling that even though he couldn't be here that weekend, there was nowhere else he would rather be.
But it was also one of those rollercoaster relationships, full of huge ups and downs. When it was good it was great, but when it was bad... oh, man, it was horrible. We put each other through hell and back, we drove each other insane and I personally played every type of game I knew of. At one point I felt so confident in what he felt for me that I would push him as far as I could to see how far he would go without breaking up with me. I took him for granted, I though I had him for life. But, of course, I didn't.
He started reacting to my dumb attemps to test him more and more, and more and more I would try to win him back. I would beg to reconsider, then he would beg me to forgive whatever stupid stuff he had done, and it was like that a hundred times, until it was over. The last I heard from him was sometime in March, when we were technically back together and had decided to work things out. Then I found out about another girl who had always tried to be with him, even when we were together. I started hearing a lot about her, I found out there was more to it, and couldn't get over it.
But back to Pandora's Box: I opened it tonight for the first time since the break up.
I re-read the cards and letters, I looked at the pictures, and now I am nothing short of a BIG MESS. I can't get over him. I just can't. I haven't really dated anyone ever since him, I can't make myself like anybody I meet, I just can't do it. It's like a fucking curse, and I'm sick of it.
Right after the split, I decided I wasn't going to call him ever again, but I had a lot to say, so I wrote him a letter that was never sent. I poured my heart out, wrote everything that I knew would hurt him the most, and I knew I would have to make myself hate him before I could move on, so I did. I hated him with passion for about 3 months. I couldn't stand the thought of him. But the more I get over the hatred, the more I find myself missing that man. And that brings me to tonight.
I really don't like blogging about that but this is stopping me from calling him, so oh well. He might not even have the same number, who knows. I know he moved, and he might even be with the girl who I found out about. She knows about me, and the last time I talked to him, I could hear her on the background and he told me he loved me in front of her. He was as sweet as can be, treated me like his girlfirend and said what he had to say to me in front on her, and that was the last time we talked. It ended like that, the weirdest thing.
When we met, I found him broken, after a really bad relationship with someone who had sucked the life out of him. He was cynical, he had been there, done that. But me, I was as fresh and untainted as could be. I stood up for him when he needed me to, I supported him through everything, even when his family wouldn't do it. I couldn't understand how someone could be so jaded, and he later changed a lot for me. One of the things I found in the box was the copy of a card I gave him when we first met, and were barely dating. I told him that he's too skeptical, that I would never want to make the list of people who disappointed him. I wanted so bad to convince him that not everybody was out there to hurt him, that it was ok to have faith in a new person. I didn't want to be blamed for all those horrible girlfriends he had before me.
It's sad to realize that THAT is me post-Shawn. I'm cynical, boderline bitter, and it's going to take a lot to break me. I have been bent and cracked in every way someone can possibly be. I have fallen off a few horses and ran into a few walls, so I have shut down that part of my life and replaced with an obsession for work and perfection. I have lost my "dating skills" and it bores me to tears to think that I will eventually have to get back to that world again to fall from new horses, and run into new walls.
Today I had lunch with my girlfriend E. Her guyfriend called her, and when she mentioned she was with me, he insinuated something, like he wanted to go out with me or some sort of guy thing.
E - talking to him: Yes, she's the brazilian girl... (hey, he's asking about you!)
Me, focused on my stake: So?
E:What do I say?
Me:I don't date anymore.
E: Oh.Sorry, she doesn't date anymore.
