it's pretty amazing

recurring nightmares & a letter from my sister

I've heard it is a cliche nightmare that one where you're all of a sudden naked in public, usually at school. But me, I sort of have a series of recurring nightmares that I have every once in a while ever since I can remember. Here's a list of them:
1. My mom moves to an apartment on her own, and she refuses to talk to her kids.
2. My sister is a whore.
3. I've murdered someone a long time ago and after a long time they find out and I go to prison.
4. I find out I still have 2 classes to take before graduating from college.
5. My sister doesn't like me and will not address me in any kind of way.

This last one is definitely one of nightmares I have more often. The most often and terrifying is the prison one, and I actually just had one of those last night. But almost equally as terrifying is the one that my sister doesn't like me, because it's one of those things that it's just impossible to think could become reality. Not because I'm lovely, but because I have given this girl so many chances in my life to just give up on liking me and she never took it. I have been rude, careless, I have ignored so many obvious attempts of affection, that if I were her, I would be like 'whatever to you, then!'. But she never did.

So the idea of me going to prison seems more possible than my sister not liking me or talking to me, thus the horrifying nature of nightmares number 5. I have, however, felt neglected by my sister and have many times seen her choose to spend her time with her girlfriends and boyfriend rather than with me. We've never been "girlfriends", we've never been the kind that would go out to the mall together, or go out to lunch together. That's just not what we do. I even told my therapist about it this last time I went to Brazil, that I couldn't communicate with my sister on a "friend" level, and that maybe I'm very much to blame, because I have screwed up so many of her attempts before that now she doesn't even try anymore. I told her I think that one day, maybe when we're older, we'll get to that stage, but for now that's how we are, and I understand.

So I checked my email a few minutes ago and there it is, an email from my sister, with a Word document attached. The email said: "Ana, I found this little letter here that I gave you when you moved away. Because that's still how it is, and how it will always be, I'm sending it again just to remind you, ok?"

The letter made me cry a lot, and for many, many reasons. She gave this to me in July, 2001, almost 6 years ago. So I decided to translate it so everyone can see how lucky I am to have a sister who can predict the future, who was patient with me and most of all, who can see right through me.

**************

"I don't know how to say goodbye to you, I don't even know why I'm writing. But I didn't want you to leave without me telling you some things. Actually, what I really wanted was to tell you it all, but I don't think this is a good time. Not because you're leaving, but because I think that even to hear "I love you" we have to be prepared. So strong those words, and we use it so casually, right? "I love you" became synonym to "you're nice". When really they should charge people if they said those words feeling less than... what I feel for you, for example. I love you, and I'm sure of it. Maybe the fact that we were born sisters gave this feeling a little push. Because really, we are so very different... do you think we would ever be close if life hadn't put us in the same family? I don't think so, but that doesn't mean I think I love you just because we're sisters. Actually, I think it's exactly the fact that you're so different from me that makes me love you so much. You know, sometimes it's hard to be me. To be so weak, scared, afraid. How I wish I was brave, strong, decisive... how I wish I was you sometimes. I look at you and I see the things I have struggled to become. But don't be fooled: I also look at you and I can see very clearly what I should not do. Because you are not only brave, strong and decisive. You are also quite immature and dumb. Most of all, you lack the courage to do what really is very hard, even harder than going to live by yourself in the United States: you lack the courage to be loved.

You know, I really believe that certain things happen in our lives at the wrong times, when we're not ready to deal with them, and those things stay inside of us until we have the courage to dig them out. And I'm sure that the love I feel for you will stay there inside of you, for as long as it needs to, until you're able to really accept it as your own. What you cannot do is not want it, because it's yours, and love can't be transferred.

It's amazing how a wall like the one that exists between our bedrooms can separate so much more than two rooms. It can separate two lives that could be so much better if they were closer to each other. That's why I hope that the distance of miles and miles can have the opposite effect: to bring two people together that have been wasting millions of chances to be close.

As I've said, I don't know how to say goodbye. So maybe I can use this letter to introduce myself to you: do you want to be my friend?

You are the sister I would choose if I could have chosen. Take care of yourself the way I would like to take care of you if I could be by your side during this time you'll be growing up far from me."

****************

I love her more than words can say and she's always been a role model to me. I have wasted a lot of chances to accept the love she had for me, but I think I'm ready now. Yes, I do want to be your friend.

Dri, voce ainda quer ser minha amiga?

follow the yellow trifling ebonics road

3 funny Google searches that led people to Legally Normal:
I. crime de jour
II. trifling ebonics
III. all of my action figures are cherry

graffiti poetry

There's more where that came from.

Back to business as usual

So here's a few reasons I haven't posted anything for the past week or so:

1. I was at Key West too busy getting tanned, throwing up on a boat trip, eat crab cakes, and wearing summer clothes.
2. I'm back at work after almost a month, and I'm trying to catch up and relearning the great craft of design.
3. I had too much laundry to do.
4. I've been at a friend's house who has cable TV, and it's not like I'm going to be blogging when "How do I look" and "I love New York" is on. Please!

But new photos have been uploaded to flickr. So go and check it out.

Crazy PDA

Ok, so there's this asian couple next to me at this bar/cafe/restaurant at the airport that is just going at it. Their faces have been attached together for the past 10 minutes or so and I'm am this close to grabbing my camera and recording this totally weird moment for you. I have actually just made sure the flash is off so I can make this very odd public display of affection available to you all over there on the internet. I have looked at them at they don't really move their faces. It's like they are just there, glued together, with each other's tongue in each other's mouth, just waiting until it's their time to board.

Oh, damn... they just stopped. Sorry, internets. You'll have to find your own freaky asians.

New Year's Resolution

In the year 2007 I resolve to: Stop working my street corner. Now go get your own

Goodbye Brazil, hello Key West!

Right now I'm in Sao Paulo at the airport, and I still have about 5 hours ahead of me before boarding time. I have actually been here at the airport for about an hour, so I have just paid $11 of wifi access just so my time here won't seem like eternity.

It's always hard leaving, but hey - be proud of me - I didn't even cry! My mom did, but I guess if she hadn't I would be somewhat disappointed. It's a mom's job to cry whenever their kid is leaving. At least a good mom, and my is beyond awesome.

So I'll be arriving in Indianapolis tomorrow afternoon, and next day at 7:30am I am leaving to Key West for 5 glorious days at the beach. A company retreat, all expenses paid. Please don't die of jealousy, good thing evetually happen to good people and your time will also surely come.

Ok, I guess I'll do some more people watching, some youtube searching and other great little things to kill time.

Bye Brazil, it's nice seeing you!

good times. bad camera

5 Reasons Why Enthusiasm is Better than Confidence

"...Of course we want to perform at our best in these situations, but I think the word ‘confidence’ creates more problems than it solves. I usually advise clients to change the word to ‘enthusiasm’. Here’s why:

1. Confidence is about you - enthusiasm is about your subject
2. Confidence is about you (again) - enthusiasm is about others
3. Confidence is impressive - enthusiasm is infectious
4. Confidence is certain - enthusiasm is creative
5. Confidence is serious - enthusiasm is fun"

via Wishful Thinking

a very light christmas

The past few years my Christmas have been very nice, relaxing and predictable ones. And that's a good thing. Just us 5 with aggregated boyfriends and girlfriends, good food, my brother usually buys us all books, and we start reading and talking about them the next day. Tonight I watched "Love Actually" and this is my favorite scene. It never fails to make me a believer.



Tomorrow I have my 4th therapy session in two weeks. On the last one we talked about relationships and how much they consume the hell out of me, and how I can't manage to be in one and survive as a normal adult in society at the same time. That's why I don't have any more of those, at least for now. We have also been talking about the possibility of me moving back to Brazil. This is still in the works, so look out for updates.

Now big ups to the birth of baby Jesus, and shout outs to the creators of Lexapro.

when santa doesn't come

"I asked you what you want for Christmas. I secretly preayed your answer would be:'you'. It wasn't... You want a scarf."

via Postsecret

Merry Christmas!

Beautiful and heartbreaking

via Debbie Millman

From Brazil

Hello gentle readers,

I come to you from good ol' Brazil! I got here yesterday and so much already has happened, I'm really happy to be home! I landed in Rio yesterday at around 11, where my parents picked me up. From there, we drove for about a hour or so to my hometown where most of my family live. My grandma is in the hospital and she has been extremely fragile lately, and I almost thought I wasn't going to get the chance to see her again. But gladly I did, and I was with her this morning for a few hours. It was VERY hard seeing her there, she's an brave lady but sometimes it feels like it's just not fair to keep her here. I hope for the best FOR HER, and I just hope whatever the outcome is she can be comfortable and in peace. I think she really thought she wasn't going to see me again, and it was completely overwhelming to look at her face when she saw me walking in that door. My mom said she hasn't seen her crack a smile like that in a long, long time and I'm glad I could bring her that.

Another thing that has been pretty major is that I have already seen my old doctor from here, so I can start the treatment for my panic disorder/depression again. I don't know if I had mentioned here before, but the past month or so has been really trying, and I have lost count of how many times I cried for hours in a row for no apparent reason at all. Just cried my eyes out, and felt completely hopeless and unmotivated to brush my hair in the morning. My days are usually ok, but my nights are pretty awful and it has taken me a lot of self-control and panic management to keep it together. So my family came to my rescue again, and I have just started taking my meds, and for the first time in what it seems to be a really long time, I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. I SO believe in the power of medicine and in what those magic little pills can do for this brain of mine. I'm committed to just giving in control and letting them take over and balance all my crazy, out-of-wack chemicals. Dear pills, please cure me and I promise I'll be nice.

Anyway, I must be a little high right now because I just took my very first dose of Lexapro with some other medication that's supposed to turn shut off my superhyperactive thoughts and let my mind rest for a bit. I can't wait to feel normal again - if there's in fact a normal state for me.

My two best friends in the world just left about an hour ago, I hadn't seen them in over 2 years. It was really nice to see them again and just feel like that good feeling of home you only get around people who really, truly know you inside and out.

Ok, so now I'm surrendering to the meds and going to sleep. Hopefully tomorrow will be the first day of a very good stay.

Here's to Brazil and to chemical balance! Cheers.

Culture Clash - Craigslist Meets the Capitalists

NY TIMES - December 8, 2006, 12:51 pm

Jim Buckmaster, the chief executive of Craigslist, caused lots of head-scratching Thursday as he tried to explain to a bunch of Wall Street types why his company is not interested in “monetizing” his ridiculously popular Web operation. Appearing at the UBS global media conference in New York, Mr. Buckmaster took questions from the bemused audience, which apparently could not get its collective mind around the notion that Craigslist exists to help Web users find jobs, cars, apartments and dates — and not so much to make money.

Wendy Davis of MediaPost describes the presentation as a “a culture clash of near-epic proportions.” She recounts how UBS analyst Ben Schachter wanted to know how Craigslist plans to maximize revenue. It doesn’t, Mr. Buckmaster replied (perhaps wondering how Mr. Schachter could possibly not already know this). “That definitely is not part of the equation,” he said, according to MediaPost. “It’s not part of the goal.”

“I think a lot of people are catching their breath right now,” Mr. Schachter said in response.

The Tech Trader Daily blog ponders this question: “If YouTube was worth $1.65 billion, who knows what Craigslist would be worth if Jim and [site founder] Craig Newmark ever considred becoming — what’s the word? — capitalists.”

Craigslist charges money for job listings, but only in seven of the cities it serves ($75 in San Francisco; $35 in the others). And it charges for apartment listings in New York ($10 a pop). But that is just to pay expenses.

Mr. Schachter still did not seem to understand. How about running AdSense ads from Google? Craigslist has considered that, Mr. Buckmaster said. They even crunched the numbers, which were “quite staggering.” But users haven’t expressed an interest in seeing ads, so it is not going to happen.

Following the meeting, Mr. Schachter wrote a research note, flagged by Tech Trader Daily, which suggests that he still doesn’t quite get the concept of serving customers first, and worrying about revenues later, if at all (and nevermind profits). Craigslist, the analyst wrote, “does not fully monetize its traffic or services.”

Mr. Buckmaster said the company is doubling in size every year, as measured by page views and listings.

Larry Dignan, writing on Between the Lines blog at ZDNet, called Mr. Buckmaster “delightfully communist,” and described the audience as “confused capitalists wondering how a company can exist without the urge to maximize profits.”

sick as a dog and nearly handicapped

So the past few days have been filled with stuff I really don't have time to deal with right now. I have a cold that is just screwing up my humor and I also almost chopped the top of my left thumb off on Friday while using an xacto knife at work. It was nasty, they had to take me to an Immediate Care place to see if I needed stitches but they end up putting all these tiny adhesives on my finger and sprayed stuff on the cut so that the skin will heal itself. Click on the photos so you can enjoy the details. It's worse than it looks.



I'm leaving to Brazil on Tuesday, and I'll be there until the 25th. Packing sucks and the week before leaving is a bitch, but once I get there is great. This vacation is long overdue and very, very much needed. As much as I enjoy routine, I've been getting pretty sick and tired of the whole home - work, work - home thing. Weekends have been crap too. So I need to get the hell out for a minute and gain perspective so I can start enjoying the good side of sameness again.

I can't think of anything else too exciting to post, so I guess that's it. I need to go spend time with my dog cause I'm leaving him for almost two weeks, and that always breaks my heart. I'm going to drive myself crazy when I have kids.

This should make you cry

My life; an open book

Today for some reason I happened to visit my old blog which was no longer live, and I found my MoTime inbox full of messages of old faithful readers that wanted to know what happened to me and my blog. I felt bad, and I tried to reply to all of them and guide them here, so any of you got my message, welcome! I am flattered to know that eventhough I don't get too many comments, people are reading this stuff I write.

I guess that's one of the reasons why I keep writing. Not that I write for other people (I feel like I would blog even if I was the only person reading this stuff), but everytime I check my StatCounter I'm surprised to see all the visitors I get, from all over the world. Some are here daily, several times a day, and the majority stays here for at least 20 minutes, which means they came and stayed. I have no idea why, but they do.

So thanks whoever you are and I hope I don't bore you to death.

Video Game Live

A few months ago I went to this show here in Indianapolis called Video Game Live. I actually blogged about it here, and today while browsing on Youtube I found this cool little video about it: