a very light christmas

The past few years my Christmas have been very nice, relaxing and predictable ones. And that's a good thing. Just us 5 with aggregated boyfriends and girlfriends, good food, my brother usually buys us all books, and we start reading and talking about them the next day. Tonight I watched "Love Actually" and this is my favorite scene. It never fails to make me a believer.



Tomorrow I have my 4th therapy session in two weeks. On the last one we talked about relationships and how much they consume the hell out of me, and how I can't manage to be in one and survive as a normal adult in society at the same time. That's why I don't have any more of those, at least for now. We have also been talking about the possibility of me moving back to Brazil. This is still in the works, so look out for updates.

Now big ups to the birth of baby Jesus, and shout outs to the creators of Lexapro.

when santa doesn't come

"I asked you what you want for Christmas. I secretly preayed your answer would be:'you'. It wasn't... You want a scarf."

via Postsecret

Merry Christmas!

Beautiful and heartbreaking

via Debbie Millman

From Brazil

Hello gentle readers,

I come to you from good ol' Brazil! I got here yesterday and so much already has happened, I'm really happy to be home! I landed in Rio yesterday at around 11, where my parents picked me up. From there, we drove for about a hour or so to my hometown where most of my family live. My grandma is in the hospital and she has been extremely fragile lately, and I almost thought I wasn't going to get the chance to see her again. But gladly I did, and I was with her this morning for a few hours. It was VERY hard seeing her there, she's an brave lady but sometimes it feels like it's just not fair to keep her here. I hope for the best FOR HER, and I just hope whatever the outcome is she can be comfortable and in peace. I think she really thought she wasn't going to see me again, and it was completely overwhelming to look at her face when she saw me walking in that door. My mom said she hasn't seen her crack a smile like that in a long, long time and I'm glad I could bring her that.

Another thing that has been pretty major is that I have already seen my old doctor from here, so I can start the treatment for my panic disorder/depression again. I don't know if I had mentioned here before, but the past month or so has been really trying, and I have lost count of how many times I cried for hours in a row for no apparent reason at all. Just cried my eyes out, and felt completely hopeless and unmotivated to brush my hair in the morning. My days are usually ok, but my nights are pretty awful and it has taken me a lot of self-control and panic management to keep it together. So my family came to my rescue again, and I have just started taking my meds, and for the first time in what it seems to be a really long time, I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. I SO believe in the power of medicine and in what those magic little pills can do for this brain of mine. I'm committed to just giving in control and letting them take over and balance all my crazy, out-of-wack chemicals. Dear pills, please cure me and I promise I'll be nice.

Anyway, I must be a little high right now because I just took my very first dose of Lexapro with some other medication that's supposed to turn shut off my superhyperactive thoughts and let my mind rest for a bit. I can't wait to feel normal again - if there's in fact a normal state for me.

My two best friends in the world just left about an hour ago, I hadn't seen them in over 2 years. It was really nice to see them again and just feel like that good feeling of home you only get around people who really, truly know you inside and out.

Ok, so now I'm surrendering to the meds and going to sleep. Hopefully tomorrow will be the first day of a very good stay.

Here's to Brazil and to chemical balance! Cheers.

Culture Clash - Craigslist Meets the Capitalists

NY TIMES - December 8, 2006, 12:51 pm

Jim Buckmaster, the chief executive of Craigslist, caused lots of head-scratching Thursday as he tried to explain to a bunch of Wall Street types why his company is not interested in “monetizing” his ridiculously popular Web operation. Appearing at the UBS global media conference in New York, Mr. Buckmaster took questions from the bemused audience, which apparently could not get its collective mind around the notion that Craigslist exists to help Web users find jobs, cars, apartments and dates — and not so much to make money.

Wendy Davis of MediaPost describes the presentation as a “a culture clash of near-epic proportions.” She recounts how UBS analyst Ben Schachter wanted to know how Craigslist plans to maximize revenue. It doesn’t, Mr. Buckmaster replied (perhaps wondering how Mr. Schachter could possibly not already know this). “That definitely is not part of the equation,” he said, according to MediaPost. “It’s not part of the goal.”

“I think a lot of people are catching their breath right now,” Mr. Schachter said in response.

The Tech Trader Daily blog ponders this question: “If YouTube was worth $1.65 billion, who knows what Craigslist would be worth if Jim and [site founder] Craig Newmark ever considred becoming — what’s the word? — capitalists.”

Craigslist charges money for job listings, but only in seven of the cities it serves ($75 in San Francisco; $35 in the others). And it charges for apartment listings in New York ($10 a pop). But that is just to pay expenses.

Mr. Schachter still did not seem to understand. How about running AdSense ads from Google? Craigslist has considered that, Mr. Buckmaster said. They even crunched the numbers, which were “quite staggering.” But users haven’t expressed an interest in seeing ads, so it is not going to happen.

Following the meeting, Mr. Schachter wrote a research note, flagged by Tech Trader Daily, which suggests that he still doesn’t quite get the concept of serving customers first, and worrying about revenues later, if at all (and nevermind profits). Craigslist, the analyst wrote, “does not fully monetize its traffic or services.”

Mr. Buckmaster said the company is doubling in size every year, as measured by page views and listings.

Larry Dignan, writing on Between the Lines blog at ZDNet, called Mr. Buckmaster “delightfully communist,” and described the audience as “confused capitalists wondering how a company can exist without the urge to maximize profits.”

sick as a dog and nearly handicapped

So the past few days have been filled with stuff I really don't have time to deal with right now. I have a cold that is just screwing up my humor and I also almost chopped the top of my left thumb off on Friday while using an xacto knife at work. It was nasty, they had to take me to an Immediate Care place to see if I needed stitches but they end up putting all these tiny adhesives on my finger and sprayed stuff on the cut so that the skin will heal itself. Click on the photos so you can enjoy the details. It's worse than it looks.



I'm leaving to Brazil on Tuesday, and I'll be there until the 25th. Packing sucks and the week before leaving is a bitch, but once I get there is great. This vacation is long overdue and very, very much needed. As much as I enjoy routine, I've been getting pretty sick and tired of the whole home - work, work - home thing. Weekends have been crap too. So I need to get the hell out for a minute and gain perspective so I can start enjoying the good side of sameness again.

I can't think of anything else too exciting to post, so I guess that's it. I need to go spend time with my dog cause I'm leaving him for almost two weeks, and that always breaks my heart. I'm going to drive myself crazy when I have kids.

This should make you cry

My life; an open book

Today for some reason I happened to visit my old blog which was no longer live, and I found my MoTime inbox full of messages of old faithful readers that wanted to know what happened to me and my blog. I felt bad, and I tried to reply to all of them and guide them here, so any of you got my message, welcome! I am flattered to know that eventhough I don't get too many comments, people are reading this stuff I write.

I guess that's one of the reasons why I keep writing. Not that I write for other people (I feel like I would blog even if I was the only person reading this stuff), but everytime I check my StatCounter I'm surprised to see all the visitors I get, from all over the world. Some are here daily, several times a day, and the majority stays here for at least 20 minutes, which means they came and stayed. I have no idea why, but they do.

So thanks whoever you are and I hope I don't bore you to death.

Video Game Live

A few months ago I went to this show here in Indianapolis called Video Game Live. I actually blogged about it here, and today while browsing on Youtube I found this cool little video about it:

Debbie Downer

i can't get used to this

The past 4 days got me used to not working. I left the office today totally mentally drained, already dreading the painful minute when my alarm will go off tomorrow morning. Where's the rich old man I'm supposed to marry? Please sir, email if you're reading this.

BTW, new photos have been uploaded to Flickr. Massive Change was amazing. I was like a kid in a candy store. Ya'll should go.

I could get used to this

Here are some things I have done so far this Thanksgiving holiday:
- came to Chicago and am staying at my friend's lovely aunt's house, who is adorable and funny.
- ate too much good food
- walked around Michigan Ave = too.much.people.too.little.space.
- went to see Opra's Harpo Studios
- went to see Bruce Mau's "Massive Change" exhibit at the Museum of Contemporary Arts. Amazing. Photos to come.
- attended a church choir rehearsal

I'm leaving tomorrow, but not before going to my favorite Brazilian restaurant. I'll have pictures up once I recover from all the non-work I'm doing. Laters!

Creative Clients

Creative Clients
Originally uploaded by debbie millman.

The story of my life. Via Debbie Millman.

The story of the day when a mansion almost swalled me

Last Friday my boss sent me an email asking me how would I feel about making a presentation to about 20-30 people during one of our client's conferences, in behalf of the firm. They needed someone to talk about publication design to a group of editors, writers, PR professionals, that were here in Indianapolis for their annual conference. Of course I said yes, as those of you who've met me know that I'm the queen of stepping-up and proving that I can raise to occasions.

I had less then a week to prepare for the event from the time I got the email, but working at least 9 hour days, that means I really had a few hours to put together some material and show up there with some balls to talk to a group of professionals with years of experience ahead of me.

I wasn't too nervous until I got there. The place itself was overwhelming - a beautiful, huge mansion built in 1916 that sits on top of a hill, as you can see here. Absolutely grand. I went throug the big wood doors towards a room where long tables and chairs where arranged facing a wall size projection screen. I plugged in my laptop, got settled and waited. Then people kept coming in, and they would take their seats and get organized, as if they were there to experience an hour of abslute enlightment. And in the end of the room there was poor little me and my little 14-inch mac plugged into the wall so that our fagile, piece-of-shit battery would last us for the whole hour.

The first two minutes went smoothly, I was focused and well rehearsed. But then I started loosing track of the content, and I next thing I knew, I felt as if I had never seen that stuff before. "Typeface? What is a typeface?" It was all a big blurr. At one point, I wanted to say "You know what? I really don't know what the hell I'm talking about here, and really this is not that important, so why don't we just go home and start our weekends earlier, huh? What do ya'll say?".

I had to swallow my nerves and power through the remaining 50 minutes, taking questions, mediating the session, and getting through the content. And I did, without throwing up, not even once. I even cracked a few jokes to showcase my charming personality with a few nervous laughs. Everything went ok.

So sweet friends, here is to my major balls and amazing freak-out control! Cheers!

Read Minus Five

Minus Five turns one today!

That has got to be one of my favorite blogs. If not the favorite. Minus is the funniest, most honest and out-of-the ordinary people I have ever heard of. She's a designer/artist living in Brooklyn. Not only her blog is awesome, but she spreads her genius all over other people's pages through her comments. Here's a recent example of why if she said "jump", I would:

(Post from Mary Pages blog):

"In the spirit of Tania's "neighborhood appreciation" blog, I thought I'd share with my kind readers what was going on in my neighborhood this weekend. It was BET's annual HIP HOP awards...and there was definitely some good people watching. Fortunately for me, I live on a street that is very popular for cruising, picking up transsexual hookers and purchasing illegal drugs on any random day of the week so one can imagine how things picked up with the weekend festivities. I was talking to a friend of mine and was thinking that, perhaps, I was being prejudiced by feeling uncomfortable with all of the random people walking around...many of them looking rather thuggish. He reminded me that these were not the Colin Powell awards nor was Oprah Winfrey's studio audience in town...it was the HIP HOP awards...these are people who rap about shooting people, banging "bitches," doing drugs and many other *not so on the up and up* activities. I know my feelings about this may be a disappointment to some of my readers, but I stand by what I say. I do not think that the HIP HOP community is propelling society (african american and otherwise) into a higher level of consciousness. I understand that the lyrics reflect that lifestyle and trials and tribulations of *the street* and I also think that, perhaps, degrading women and endorsing a life of crime and irresponsibility is not the way to inspire people to live better. I strongly believe that the things that we think, say, and feel create the environment in which we exist...at our essence we are all energy...just energy...molecules, really...so it is up to us to create the world in which we wish to live through our thoughts and actions."

Comment from Minus:

Crime De Jour

Watched "Dancing with the Stars" final and was secretly happy when Emmit won, eventhough Mario kicked ass all season long. Oh, I so wish I could dance!

What would we be without it now

1:33am

Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Brazilbound

So I just purchased my ticket to go to Brazil next month. I'll be there for almost 2 weeks, and I'm coming back on Dec 25th, which is kinda of a weird date to leave but coming back anytime after that would cost me at least $400 more.

I absolutely hate the actual 'flying' home. Those almost 24 hours in between airports is totally a pain in my ass, but I can't wait to go home and see my family, my old friends, the house, the dog, and everything I miss. So I decided to make a list of random things I'm anxious to enjoy as soon as I get there:

1. Having 5 o'clock cofee breaks with my mom. Fresh coffee, french bread right out of the oven, with butter. One of my favorite things to do in the world.

2. Hot, hot, sticky weather.

3. Afternoons watching good cable TV and old soap operas.

4. Eating decent food on a regular basis. Hopefully losing a few pounds.

5. Washing my hair with non-clorine-white-stuffy-water. One of the things I absolutely cannot get used to here is the fact that the water is so heavy and gross, consequently making my hair heavy and gross as well. I have no bad-hair days in Brazil. It's like washing your hair with spring water.

6. Seeing my grandmas! and my godson, and the rest of my family.

7. Driving good cars. (I usually leave a few tickets behind for my family, but I promise I won't do it this time. I don't do it on purpose.)

8. Buying cute shoes and big earrings.

9. Not stressing, not working and not paying for anything for 2 whole weeks!

10. Getting my hair and nails done. Believe me, it's different there.

I'm counting down the days now. 27 to go.

Baby wanted 12 lemons

Hello again, people who read this blog! I apologize for my brief absence in the past few weeks. Life is busy, panic attacks are back and in between work, searching for a new car, and losing wireless signal at home, I haven't been able to be here as much as I should. Bad, bad blogger. Anyway, I'm here and all is well.

Last night I decided to stay at home with a bottle of wine and the TV, despite of a couple of phone call from friends inviting me out for a drink. I just didn't feel like doing much, so I went to Blockbuster and got me what I thought it would one of those harmless romantic comedies that if anything, would put me to sleep.

I got "The Breakup", THE movie that started it all between Jenn and Vince last year. And all I have to say is that I completely impressed and touched from beginning to end. What I really loved about it is that it's totally not one of those happily ever after stories wrapped with a bowl that makes you roll your eyes at the end of the movie. The characters are layered and imperfect, and things don't go like you wish they would, and they can't communicate to save their lives. She is always beating around the bush, while he is too straight-forward and literal. She wants him to want to work on their relationship, but he is too uncomplicated to even get what that means. They are illogical, but they love each other, have great intimacy, and rituals, habits and many happy moments together. Still, they breakup, and as much as you hope for a happy ending, it just doesn't happen. They manage to screw it up all on their own, no help needed.

Isn't that how it really goes?

The movie was filmed in Chicago, and that happens to be a place that holds so many memories to me. My ex, with whom I spend the last 2 years with, lived there, and as I was watching the movie I kept thinking of all the weekends I would drive up there to spend time with him and we would go to all those places that to this day I haven't managed to go back to because it's just too much there. The walks by the lake, the boat rides, the blues clubs, the downtown restaurants, the stores on Michigan Ave, the ball park, the summer festivals. And all those nights I spent in that city with the person I thought would be me with for as far as I could see. Those streets where I wandered for hours by myself after our crazy arguments. We were both too clumsy, too dumb and proud to apologize or talk things through.

That screen was speaking directly to me.

I have this tendency of being overtly dramatic when it comes to ex-boyfriends (specially this last one and our bitter breakup). I keep wondering what I could have done different, "why did it happened like that, what a waste of my time!". Watching that movie last night was really good for me. It's about people who come to your life for a certain period of time but they don't come to stay. And that doesn't mean you shouldn't give them your best, that you shouldn't jump in head first, that you shouldn't hold on to those memories as much as you can. You love them, you build stories together, things go wrong and you see your castles fall. Then you learn to love better, and build stronger castles that will more than likely fall again, and you keep moving on until you have a long list of places that are hard to revisit because all you can think of was how happy you once were there. How much you wish you could put that feeling in a bottle and take it with you wherever you go.

Then one day you bump into that person that at one point meant the world to you, and now he's almost a stranger, and it just so happens that the person you were back then is also long gone.

It might sound sad, but seriously, isn't that a nicer perspective?

It's easier to deal with things that way.

You love, you live it as hard as you can, and you move on.


And it's not the end.